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Too busy being depressed

Penned on May 29, 2011

I was talking with someone the other day about art and showing her some of my most recent pieces. This person has always been a particularly crafty person. She made a statement as she looked at a piece of my art that made me take a step back to reflect on my own life. She told me (paraphrasing):

“I don’t have time to enjoy my crafts because I’m too busy being depressed.”

Too busy being depressed.

Haven’t we all been there at some point in our lives?

Last year I hit an all-time low. I was settled into my (temporary) life. I loved my church. My children and I had found our niche. I felt like I finally belonged.

And then we had to move. Again.

I was miserable. I hated it. I became terribly depressed.

There were days when I couldn’t even drag myself out of the bed. My husband had to look after our children.

I couldn’t see anything good because I didn’t want to see anything good.

I missed “home” and wanted to go back.

Like the children of Israel.

Moses was leading them, by the grace of God, to their promised land. They grumbled, griped, and complained the entire time.

Their shoes never worn out. But they griped.

They always had food to eat. “Take us back to Egypt!” they whined.

God constantly provided; He had a plan in motion. “We’d have been better off slaves to Egyptians, than dying in this desert!”

They just couldn’t see the big picture.

They stopped trusting God.

I’m so thankful God brought me out of my desert of depression. But how many of us are still wandering through that thick, heavy, unbearable cloud of darkness, dying for a drink of water?

Are you too busy being depressed to see the hand of God?

Can you trust Him again, even though you don’t have all the answers?

Give your worries to Him. Let Him lead you to higher ground.

lily
Photo credit

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”

{Matthew 6:28-30, NLT}

Filed Under: Spirit
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The Dark Hours

Penned on February 22, 2011

light in the darkness by cassehn, on Pix-O-Sphere

Photo by Cassandra Ake-Bradley at Pixosphere 

I dragged through the day. Seconds ticked by like hours. The heavy cloud loomed above my innermost being; poured down rain.

Depression. Such an ugly word to swallow. Even more difficult to say aloud: I’m depressed.

I’m a Christian. I’m not supposed to be depressed.

The deceiver’s hiss seared my mind.

Worthless.

Useless.

Waste of space on this earth.

God doesn’t care; He’s forgotten you.

Lies.

I went through the motions, barely making it through simple daily responsibilities.

Wash dishes. Fold clothes. Feed kids.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That day, I couldn’t take any more. I retreated to my bed. Pulled covers up to my chin. And I just lay there. Lifeless. Staring. So empty.

Sleep evaded me. I didn’t need sleep anyway. I just wanted to be alone.

My sweet husband wanted to help me. He tried to pull me from the muddy pit I’d been in for months. But this was beyond his help.

This pit of depression was of my own making.

I’d been wrapped up in mourning what I’d lost. Hating the present and longing for the past.

I’d been shaking my fists at God. How could You? If You truly loved me… Why won’t You…?

This anger, bitterness, and doubt turned inward caused an implosion of depression. I couldn’t see any goodness. I didn’t want to be happy. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted my way, not His.

The depression and sadness and anger deepened. Choked life. Withered my soul.

Those of you who have experienced depression know what I’m talking about. These dark hours seem endless. Hopeless. So very hopeless.

Only when I fully surrendered my will to Him—when I started trusting Him again—the fog finally lifted.

Trust—that which does not come easy for me. Trusting in God means surrendering myself—my will, my heart, my mind—to Him. Trusting God means acknowledging this life in not my own, but His. Bowing to His awesome majesty and saying Yes! to what He has for me, instead of holding on to something that wasn’t mine to begin with.

Some days I forget about the dark hours. When I walk hand-in-hand with my Creator, it’s easy to forget how low and lost and lonely I was.

Some days the dark hours threaten me again. Taunt me with their gnarled fingers, beckoning me back to the wallowing place to lament over times past. I refuse. One step forward, closer to Jesus, pulls me away from the darkness one more time.

If you are in the middle of your own dark hours, look for the Light. It’s there. It might be a speck of a pinpoint, but it’s there. God is there, especially in the dark hours.

Filed Under: Spirit
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The Valley of Weeping

Penned on February 14, 2011

“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs.”
{Psalm 84: 5-6, NLT}

Valley of Fire State Park

Photo Credit: http2007 

I lay in bed that night, tears spilling onto the pillow beneath my head. Another night in sorrow. Another night of depressing thoughts.

I was so far down in the valley, I couldn’t even speak to pray.

Overwhelmed with circumstances and events in my life, I wanted to disappear. Melt away. Stop living.

And in fact, that’s exactly what I did. I stopped living. I breathed. I moved. I fulfilled duties. But I stopped living.

I had no hope of life being better. Different. Whole.

I was so very tired of crying myself to sleep nearly every night. Hopelessness covered my entire being and choked out the very life within me. My soul was dry and dying for a drink from heaven. But I couldn’t reach out and ask for it.

The valley I was in seemed to expand to eternity. I felt like there was no way out. I didn’t even know how I’d managed to enter that place of loneliness, sadness, emptiness, and nothingness.

I doubted God cared. If He cared, why would He allow me to be in this place of unhappiness? How could I call myself a “child of God” if I couldn’t find God in the midst of my trouble?

I am so thankful I serve a God who does care!

While reading through the Psalms, I came to a clearer understanding of David. His words are honest and real.

David is referred to as a man after God’s own heart. I’ve wondered how that could be, when David was very much human and made so many mistakes.

I believe the reason why God loved David so much is because David had a true relationship with God. Even when David miserably flopped, he immediately ran to God, confessed his sins, and asked for mercy.

More importantly, when David faced adversity or felt alone, he built his faith by reminding himself of God’s faithfulness and mighty power.

Without a doubt, David had moments of loneliness and hopelessness. But he didn’t allow himself to become consumed by those feelings. He focused on God, and in doing so, lifted himself out of his valleys.

{A call to hope}

When you find yourself in the Valley of Weeping, remember that God is merciful and kind. Encourage yourself. Bring to remembrance God’s blessings in your life and all He has done for you. Let God turn your Valley of Tears into refreshing springs.

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Filed Under: Life, Spirit
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