I always wished I had a “Mother” when I was growing up. I longed for mother-daughter chats and shopping trips…all the fun things it seemed other girls had that I didn’t.

Life was difficult, at best. An emotional roller coaster ride, never knowing from one moment to the next what to expect.

And yet I loved her through it all.

I spent nearly eighteen years of my life in a volatile situation. The only thing that kept me going every single day was the thought that once I graduated high school I could leave. And I did.

When I look back to those years, I’m amazed at my own strength. I marvel that I managed to remain sane and never lose hope. There’s only one reason why.

God.

I remember one specific time when I received a beating so badly that my knees shook and I couldn’t stand up any longer. Despite the pain and undeserving harsh words hammering away at my body and soul, I remember praying in my mind: God, please help me endure. Help me get through this. Help me to make it just until she stops.

He helped me. Every time. For almost eighteen years.

Stepping into motherhood

When I became a mother almost twelve years ago, I nearly had a breakdown. There were several times during my first pregnancy when I truly thought I’d lose my mind. I didn’t understand what was happening to me then, but I do now. I was afraid. Afraid of becoming a mother. Afraid of becoming my mother.

I was scared because I didn’t know what “Mother” meant. I knew all the things it didn’t mean. I knew all the ways not to be a mother. But I didn’t know how to be Mother.

So I had to learn. I learned like we all do–the hard way. I made lots of mistakes. And along the way I realized that not only had I become Mother to a precious baby girl, but I’d become Mother to the little girl locked within me. I needed to forgive my mother for all the mistakes she made, then forgive myself for the mistakes I’d made.

I learned to re-parent myself. Love myself. Accept myself. Treasure myself. And when I did, I also started learning what it is to be a Mother.

Mothering means…

• loving beyond degree
• caring with no end
• compassion that sees hidden pain
• flawed, yet ever-learning
• mistakes made; lessons learned; forgiveness; new beginning
• hugs and kisses
• tears and scrapes
• puke and smiles
• family
• home
• heart

Happy Mother’s Day…especially to the motherless.